I feel so selfish as I come down cape. I had so many good and amazing memories while I was living here for the summer, yet they are always overpowered by sad and awful thoughts. No matter where I go down here, I either have a memory of Austin or Lauren, and I honestly can not handle it. As I sit in the Corporation Beach parking lot all I can think of is playing softball and goofing around with Austin, and the time Lauren and I first talked about being together. Both great memories that just make me a mess now, as both of them are out of my life. Every day for the past two weeks, I’ve felt like I’ve gotten worse and worse with my depression and it scares me. I have no idea what I need to do to fix this. Being in Dartmouth doesn’t help, being in Natick doesn’t help, being in Dennis doesn’t help. Where else is there for me to go.
Also, I could go for a hug. Like not a half assed hug, but a real hug. The one that lasts a little while and makes you feel. Like I need one now more than I have in a long time.
Having a huge mental breakdown right now. Miss you so much and I’m sure you couldn’t care less. Been writing a lot of poetry as of late. It disturbs me as to how good it is, yet so depressing at the same time. Most of the poems I write, then light on fire, because I get scared of what people will think of me if they read them. I got drunk over the weekend and wrote one on my phone and shared it with my friend who found me outside. He said it was good but fucked. I don’t know how to interpret that. I have not brought it up and don’t plan on doing so.
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